Joanz Ramblinz

Dependency

Joan — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:11:00 GMT

I am dependent on my computer. It was in TX for repair for two weeks. My withdrawal was messy, not a pretty site. Well, I have had the puter back for 3 days, I have cleaned up 6 of my 7 emails. I do surveys (not at all lucretive) & that one will take a while to clean out.

Having the puter back hasn't helped my depression that's for sure. I am beginning to think this is a lost cause. Talk therapy doesn't work, meds don't work, what's left.

How I am seen by others...

Joan — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 20:28:00 GMT

I received a call from my ex-case manager yesterday. She said some very flattering things about me. I am still kinda speechless. She said she looked up to me, that she thought I was a terrific person, intelligent, articulate and that I will make a difference. That I had already made a difference in her life. Partly because she could see herself in me and she didn't want to get where I was. I kinda take that as a complement.

What I find amazing is that even at my worst I influenced someone positively. She met me when I was at my worst, ready to die. The depression was so overwhelming. She came to my apartment which hadn't been cleaned in over a year and saw the depth of my feelings. The kid is only in her mid twenties, young enough to be my granddaughter. She felt she had a lot in common with me, even over the decades.

To me this says that even when I am at my worst, not wanting to be around any one. I need to get out there someone may need to see this to keep them from getting to the same place. And it will help boost my outlook even if I never know that person being with others will automatically help. Others will learn from my experiences and so will I.

Damn summer is here!!

Joan — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:23:00 GMT

It has been in the 90's & humid for over 4 days. I REALLY HATE HEAT. lol

Well I am moving to MD in September. Still don't know where I will live. I have gotten on a couple of lists so will wait & see.

I have been feeling much better. Guess the tegretol is working.

Now all I need to do is start packing. I need to sell some of the furniture because I have had it for over 10 years. Time to change everything.

ROAD TRIP!!!!

Joan — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:28:00 GMT

I am planning a road trip next year. Drive route 40 west and route 66 east. I plan on making it a memorable trip that will last some where around 2 months, more or less. I am on disability so time does not matter.

What I am looking for are a few sisters on the route who will act as tour guides and some who will offer me a place to sleep, to save $$. If you fit either catagory or have done something similar or just want to chat let me know.

OK, next week I am going home to apartment hunt. These gas prices are out rageous. It's a 400 mile trip. Kinda nervous about moving there it has been 22 years since I have lived there. And there have been a lot of changes in that time. I guess I'll bite the bullet, LOL.

Let me try again!

Joan — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 23:42:00 GMT

Well, here I go again apologizing. Along with my trouble following up on anything my puter needed to hove the OS reinstalled. Now I will continue.

The PIT I was in took me to the verge of suicide but obviously I didn't do anything. I went up, I went down, I went up, I went down....sounds suspiciously like bipolar disorder. Anyway, in February I lost my Dad & I spent nearly a month back home, some place I thought all bridges were burned. NOT TRUE. I was very open with them, told them what I had be going thru, thinking & feeling. They listened and they still care about me. My niece has been talking with co-workers about a mental health system, my sister is looking at apartments, my brother let me stay at his house the whole time. I felt so comfortable there, like I used to feel. I am planning to move back.

Currently, I feel better tho still depressed it's nothing like last fall. I know that I have a future and I am planning a road trip for next year, more about that later. The first of May I will go back to MD. to look for a cheap apartment and see about setting up doc's.

I know I am not cured, that I will never be cured but that doesn't mean I don't have a life now or a future. I will try to live each day as they come, continue to work on feeling even better, enjoy my family and just LIVE!

My sincerest and most heartfelt apologies!!

Joan — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 00:21:00 GMT

First things first, I must apologize for the prolonged break I have taken from this blog. I have been going through numerous ups and downs that characterize this disease. The only thing I can promise to give you is my honesty and to do that I need to fill in the blanks. I will try to keep it short because as anyone who has anything to do with bipolar knows, it repeats. So I will just leave out the boring details and just give the honest outline

For not suffice it to say I am much better, thank you very much. I am working on the more detailed account to post by Monday.

THE PITS

Joan — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 10:50:00 GMT

Kim G. thank you for the comments but at this point it doesn't mean a lot. I am so far in the pit that I don't see how I will ever get out. Below is a one of many reasons I believe this.

Even though she is doing what I wanted her to do it feel terrible. My ex has a new girlfriend. It took her less than 4 months. This is a lady who swore she would NEVER be in another relationship & it only took 4 months offically from when I broke it off till she had someone else. I know I cannot give her what she deserve but I still love her. I have finally pushed everyone who cares about me away. I truely am alone.

I don't know how I can have even a glimmer of hope, actually I don't. I will never get out of this HELL.

12 Steps

Joan — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 00:07:00 GMT

Well, today I feel alittle better. Maybe the addition of Celexa is really going to help. Anyway, I think (entirely too much) that I should try a 12 step approach to this damn depression. I need toadmit and believe that I am powerless over the depression. That will be easier said than done, I such a control freak. I've always (from a teeny bobber to adulthood) been the one who could keep my head in all circumstances and handle what came along in my family. Anywho, back to 12 steps. I then need to give up power and let others lead me through the next year or so, at least until I can get back to some thing like "normal". Well, wish me luck. I will really try; to write more often. Thanx for reading this.

Long Time No See

Joan — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 07:47:00 GMT

Well, if you can't guess by my inactivity, my life sucks big time. I cannot see any light anywhere. I have been on case management for a couple of months now and she is so green that she doesn't even know protocol for seeing the shrink. I have been waiting for 2 months to see the doc and am out of meds. When I called to ask the doc to call in a script I find out that I am not supposed to be seeing that doc. I am supposed to transfer downtown to the main office. I know this case manager needs to learn but WHY at my expense. I knew I would fall between the cracks. I isn't meant for me to get better. I start to see a little financial freedom and I get two notices. One from student loans, I owe them over 10,000 and have used up most of the ways to put them off so I started to pay them. There went the $$ that I could start to do extras (rent a movie, eat out, even go to a movie, etc), you know some little stuff that would help me feel some independence. Oh and the second thing is from the IRS, you got it I owe them also. When ever I start to get a head just a little bit something comes up to knock the temporary support out from under me.

My parents are distributing our inheritance (got one brother and one sister both younger) to us yearly and I am scared to death the IRS will take it away.

I don't know why I keep trying. I should just stop everything.

Just one thing after another...

Joan — Sat, 05 May 2007 01:32:00 GMT

I guess I have reached my all time low. Yesterday my therapist & I decided I needed case management It has been shown that I cannot take care of myself. I am incompetent. After nearly 60 years of life, after 30 years as a registered nurse, after raising two children. I can't take care of myself. I never thought I would get this bad. It is such a blow to my ego. Why do I keep on trying? Why can't I just call it quites? Why do I keep sucking up all these resorces and keep being such a drain on my family? I tried to type that I wasn't worthy of it but just couldn't. I know I am grasping at straws. But I feel so terrible. It just never feels any better.
I tried to sign up for Medicare D 2 weeks ago but still haven't heard anything. When I call all I get is an automated system, I REALLY HATE THEM. I have prescriptions but can't afford to get them filled. It seems that I can't get anything done the correct way or even in an easy manner. It always has to be a struggle for me. I am sooooo tired of fighting. It isn't worth it.

I guess I need to give a brief(?) history...

Joan — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 09:26:00 GMT

I have no idea when the depression started I think I was born with it. I do know that even as a teenager I knew I acted different depending on who I was around. In other words I wore masks. Always covering up, I never knew who I was until I figured out who I was with.
I was and am a very good caretaker. I took care of my mother since I was about 12 years old. She was/is very insecure and I would bolster her, keep things from her that I thought would increase her insecurities. Yeah here I was a child feelling I had to make adult decisions. I grew up fast and never took the chance to be a kid. The shrinks say I choose that maybe but that was an adult decision too.
By the time I was 21 years old I was married. My role model was Donna Reed, need I say more. I definitely could not live up to that. I had my first son at 25 and then a second son by 30. Now I had 3 more people to care for. I am a kick ass master of dealing with crisis.
During this time I worked as a R.N. in various critical areas. Always intense, one crisis after another.
I had very few time of happiness in 26 years of marriage. I totally believed I was NEVER to find happiness. Finally, just before my 40th birthday I was inpatient for 2 months. After this I started my marathon with therapy, it continues to this day.
I can to, literally, this is when the realization that I am an alcoholic started to take hold (been sober since 8/8/88). Another truism that I came to is that I am a lesbian. Now that one was extremely freeing. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. The first time I said it out loud I literally felt a weight lift off of me. I finally found out what I had been hiding. I got a divorce, came out to everyone I knew including my family and have had a couple of verybrief relationships and one soul mate.
Now I am trying to figure out the rest of who I am. There is so much garbage surrounding me I don't know what is really me or what is mask. The only thing I know that is real is "I am so F---King depressed I am immobile, I have been uable to work since the new millenium started. I have lived in the same place for 4 years and I do not know a single person, other than professionals.
I am looking for support, people who have been there and come back. I do not want to hear any of the religiousity, I was force feed that as a child and don't go there now. Just the plan and simple truth, that's what I am looking for.
Thank you for reading this and if it helps to know you are not alone then I have achieved part of my goal.

Change is impossible when you are deeply depressed almost catatonic.

Joan — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 17:49:00 GMT

2/20/2007
I need to learn to concentrate. I need to make good on this vortex thing. I need more $$. I need to be a better person. I need to stop being depressed. I need to be a different person, a whole new different person. Have no idea who but definitely not me.

I haven't been around for a while

Joan — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 08:56:00 GMT

there is nothing new and no one reads this so nothing to respond to. Why do I bother?

why am I doing this??

Joan — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 20:38:00 GMT

this is just a representation of my life. no body listens, who gives a shit. I don't. I am slowly killing myself. my eating habits are the worst, I am morbidly obese, and exercise is totally out of the question. actually any movement is verboten. I have severe osteoarthritis in both knees, left hip & spine; hypertension, high cholesterol, as well as a couple of psych. diagnoses. in reality I am a real F---ed up mess in every sense. I have lived in this city for over 4 years and I do not know anybody. if I died today no one would know it until I started to decay and stink up the place.

Can't believe it

Joan — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 06:06:00 GMT

This is pretty cool. I have felt good for the past week. Been very productive, for me. Four websites, nothing elaborate, but they are mine. Ripped all my CD's to my hard drive. Wrote in my journal nearly everyday since I started it 12/29/2006. And actually been posting here fairly often. DAMN, I am good, LOL.

Wish I knew how to get traffic to this site and then have them read it, I will keep on checking it out.

As they used to say "keep on truckin"
Joan

Hey the sun is shining!!!!

Joan — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 19:34:00 GMT

WOW, this is one of those days I would just like to bottle, chain down or some how keep just for me. As you can probably tell I AM FEELING GOOD, I got to mark this day in RED (can't find the way to change the color of the text, damn). Anyway, I have been very productive today. Ran several errands (bank, llibrary, grocery shopping, and laundry). AND I have started a business plan, a website and almost finished coping (ripping) my CD library to the puter. Damn, I am good.

As you can probably guess when I feel good I REALLY FEEL GOOD. I wish this part of my bi-polar would stay forever, (if I could control my spending that is) or atleast most of the time. With this blog maybe I can track the ups and downs better.

Later gator,
Joan

Another year,arrrgh

Joan — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 08:22:00 GMT

Here it is bright and early new years day. Did nothing. How do I get out of my head and into my gut? I am fairly smart and have work in psych. for 10 years. I know alot of the ins and outs. I want to feel better but I have been unable to get there in over 20 years. I already know I am a failure, not worth anything. I stay away from people because I don’t want them to know what I know. How can I let others see the real me, I can’t.

Until better times,
Joan

another day

Joan — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 05:54:00 GMT

Well the holiday is done thank goodness. Too much commercialism for a religious holiday.
Any way went to my sons and saw my grands ( 1 boy & 2 girls - twins) all under 2. They are so cute! Jax, the oldest, really put on a show. He ripped up all the paper and threw it around, threw the clothes in the air and just ran around entertaining the adults. The girls just ate the paper.
For me it was just another time I felt totally out of place. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Just let me stay in my apartment by myself.

...and in the beginning

Joan — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 21:21:00 GMT

Hi, how's it going? I am writting this to both give and get help/understanding of Depression & Bi-Polar. Now I expect this understanding/help thing to go both ways. Even though I have suffered all my life (59 yrs.) & worked for several years in the psychiatry, I still don't "understand". How do my moods affect me? How do my moods affect others? What causes my moods? And, probably the most improtant, how do I change it!

OK, now's the time to introduce myself. My name is Joan and as stated previously I am 59 years of age. I have two grown sons and three grandchildren (one boy & two girls). I do not live near any of my family both physically or emotionally. No tears now, I have no friends or acquaintances. Now the why...I don't know. I have isolated myself and do not/will not try to change that. I am so Freakin' depressed all I do is sleep, get online and rarely eat (don't worry I have an over generous reserve supply of food source), in simpler words I am fat.

We know my depression is chemical but have not gotten it right to correct the imbalance. I have been through numerous psychiatrists and therapist mainly due to moving and insurance. Currently, I am in limbo because I don't have a psychiatrist because of insurance and the therapist I just saw believes nothing else can be done until we get the meds right.

Right now I have basixally given up. This is my last chance. I am looking for some hope, something to hang on to, to believe.

All postings will be read.

Until later,
Joan