I guess I need to give a brief(?) history...
This entry was posted on 3/10/2007 4:26 AM and is filed under uncategorized.
I have no idea when the depression started I think I was born with it. I do know that even as a teenager I knew I acted different depending on who I was around. In other words I wore masks. Always covering up, I never knew who I was until I figured out who I was with.
I was and am a very good caretaker. I took care of my mother since I was about 12 years old. She was/is very insecure and I would bolster her, keep things from her that I thought would increase her insecurities. Yeah here I was a child feelling I had to make adult decisions. I grew up fast and never took the chance to be a kid. The shrinks say I choose that maybe but that was an adult decision too.
By the time I was 21 years old I was married. My role model was Donna Reed, need I say more. I definitely could not live up to that. I had my first son at 25 and then a second son by 30. Now I had 3 more people to care for. I am a kick ass master of dealing with crisis.
During this time I worked as a R.N. in various critical areas. Always intense, one crisis after another.
I had very few time of happiness in 26 years of marriage. I totally believed I was NEVER to find happiness. Finally, just before my 40th birthday I was inpatient for 2 months. After this I started my marathon with therapy, it continues to this day.
I can to, literally, this is when the realization that I am an alcoholic started to take hold (been sober since 8/8/88). Another truism that I came to is that I am a lesbian. Now that one was extremely freeing. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. The first time I said it out loud I literally felt a weight lift off of me. I finally found out what I had been hiding. I got a divorce, came out to everyone I knew including my family and have had a couple of verybrief relationships and one soul mate.
Now I am trying to figure out the rest of who I am. There is so much garbage surrounding me I don't know what is really me or what is mask. The only thing I know that is real is "I am so F---King depressed I am immobile, I have been uable to work since the new millenium started. I have lived in the same place for 4 years and I do not know a single person, other than professionals.
I am looking for support, people who have been there and come back. I do not want to hear any of the religiousity, I was force feed that as a child and don't go there now. Just the plan and simple truth, that's what I am looking for.
Thank you for reading this and if it helps to know you are not alone then I have achieved part of my goal.
